there are many other things I would like to be doing; studying wild animals in a remote area of wilderness, studying Native American culture(s), studying, studying, studying; being a professional student, obviously. Reminds me I was listening to an NPR interview with David Sedaris (I’ve read all his books via audiobook, BTW) and he says what he does when at home (in UK now) is pick up all the trash that the yanks throw out their car windows (and blah blah everyone thinks he is a demented old man because he wears dirty clothes and talks to himself, THAT because he happens to enjoy studying the Pimsleur Language series so he’s always muttering in language nobody can understand). But mu point anyway is I think I was thrown to observe and participate, and I think for the most part that all that’s required for each person to be both fulfilled and respected; the rest is complications related to the size of a civilization. 

Because the words in my head say as much as I could & should be doing something that reflects my level of education….

I could enjoy doing something else more based on the culture I’d be surrounded by. I’m not crazy about the culture here in the N. P. of West Virginia, which is basically backward and unconscious and in my opinion the very reason people have so little energy to overcome it (of course being that it is really only a slightly darker shade of the general unconscious backwardness of the entire state of humanity, and some day I know I need to say what I mean by this, its no surprise that it’s only a slightly greater energy sucker than anywhere else). But a culture at least nominally, or verbally, more aware or enlightened, would do much to increase my own flagging energy. I mean if I had people around me who are simply aware that this is it and it doesn’t get any better and every moment, believe it or not IS sacred – no I’m still not getting there……

The point is I mainly spend my time reading while janitoring to be immersed in the environment I would otherwsies have to go somewhere else for. So it’s what keeps me janitoring. Janitoring into my salary with benefits and perks and a little retirement.

It’s not funny, and I’m not making a joke. Except for money I have given to Charles – to pay half the bills, to feed his gas-guzzler, or to pick up groceries for me and keep the change, thank you -  I have been cautious about how I  use my paycheck. I want to create a budget,  but so far I’ve learned that until I see where the money went, it’s pretty difficult to brainstorm what my needs are just sitting on the couch imagining what it would be like to actually HAVE a budget or be able to project my future needs.

A couple of days ago I was reading an ad from Tiger Direct, which is where I buy a lot of my computer stuff (or lately, been reviewing my computer stuff, then heading off to ebay to see if I can get it cheaper). Among the peripheral goodies I noticed a mouse-sized scanner from LG that comes complete with OCR.

A eureka moment; finally, the scanner I’d never realized I had dreamed about for so long appeared. It’s a mouse with a scanner inside it!  You swipe the durn thing across anything on your desk – a photo, a letter, a copy of your traffic ticket, and your rendering is delivered in an image or text editor! You can crop it; adjust the color, contrast and brightness; edit the text; rotate it by degrees, and plop it into a Word or Excel file. So I’m thinking what I can do now is scan every single lousy receipt I would otherwise toss before I got to analyzing the content to track my expenses. I can save everything  in a text editor, and using the desktop search I can scan for repeated purchases: rice, spaghetti, broom, laundry soap. Once I have all that calculated, I can finally determine patterns from which to develop a more efficient money strategy.

Actually I should not say that my impulses have been limited; Dollar General is the mother of all impulse purchase stimulators for small-thinking people like me. We think that because it’s a “Dollar Store, where everything is cheap” that means you can buy more stuff and still keep your dough. Doesn’t matter how high an IQ one has; if one thinks like a poor person, one can never get beyond living out of one’s pockets.

I call it God’s punishment for not applying oneself. So where the impulse was in this purchase for me was in impulsively seeing all my problems as solved, but at least for  now, two days later, as the ‘product’ has arrived, I haven’t lost my enthusiasm yet.

The Software comes with a little video, so I’m gonna post it here as a visual aid. I’m not trying to make a commercial or sell you on this thing; I’m just telling you what I’ve been up to.

For those who remember the days before breathalyzers (and other drug tests, random or probable cause), I’ve heard you say that everyone, or nearly everyone was out there drunk. So how times have changed! Even I remember one night here at the Mount – all too vividly – when one rider (who shall be spared identifying) was so plastered he couldn’t stand (but COULD sit…on a horse).

I was out of gate #2, three lengths behind this fellow (who generally rode faster horses than me) and as I was taking in the first furlong, he swerved several horse-breadths railward, from the 8-hole to the 4, almost taking down one of the leading Thistledown riders on the 6. Don’t think of clipping heels – think of clipping hocks!

ack in the room I told one of the Valets I wanted to turn the kid in because I didn’t want anyone who COULD kill me riding with me at any time. Unconscious carelessness happens often enough, but unconsciousness drunkenness is both doubly dangerous and obviously preventable. Why encourage drunken riding by allowing it to go unchallenged?

Oh no, the valet told me. They’ll take care of him in the room. He won’t do it again. They know. Let the room handle it.

Sure that’s all well and good, but everyone knew that the kid was a longtime drunk -  bona fide alcoholic. Nobody can prevent it from happening again and again. You stop that for a month, then later a week, then not at all.

So I held my tongue, but crap, do you think I wanna ride sober? If I might get maimed; if I think I’m working in an establishment where the chances are better of me getting maimed, I’m gonna want to do something to keep down the anxiety. Drinking’s the obvious choice.

And I think that the reason drinking is such a powerful anxiety reducer is that it most definitely takes the mind of f of the worries – worry-oriented thoughts. No more thoughts about worry; no more worries! So it makes lots of sense to drink to solve the short-term worry problem. Only drawback is that it could mean a long-term drinking problem.

I believe they don’t have the puritan attitude toward alcohol in Canada  that we have here in the US courtesy of the pilgrims. I was there for a while (Canada, not the Colonies) when I had the bug (1991, I think). The deal was:

you had to blow in the breathalyzer when you got to the room. If you blew over, you could stay in the room and blow again in fifteen minutes, and then in fifteen minutes after that, and so on, until pretty close to your first mount. It gave you a change to get under the limit if you happened to have had a beer with your lunch.

If it’s not because of the general culture and attitude toward alcohol, then I would chalk it up to the power of the Jocks’ Guild in that country. They definitely have more power than their US counterparts. Labor in general does. But I mean those jocks could take off over and over on what appeared to be a whim, like ‘it’s too cold for me” and there appealed to be no fines. I wasn’t there very long, though, so what do I know, really? Not a thing! In fact my source for the breathalyzer account was Lanny Kress, one of the more saturated alcoholics in my memory, and a 50/50 liar to boot.

I can think of many times I downed an ounce or two of Smirnoff or ginger brandy just to be able to sleep a solid hour before my riding engagements. Because once I was checked on a mount, I rode that horse until the race was over! That’s a day and a half of riding the same race! Multiply that by the number of races I might be checked on and my mind would have raced itself out of the business of sleeping for most of my career. I’d have had the Guinness’ record for sleep deprivation before I would have my @10% win avg. A single shot at 10 a.m. will deliver an under-the-limit for 11:30 room time and a dedicated hour of snooze, so hail the Ginger Brandy!

So for my part, I think it’s nobody’s business to speculate or dwell on the matter of Sutherland’s suspension. Let it be her business. If it was a simple matter of a beer to accompany the morning repast, she’ll get over the short term losses. If it’s a more serious problem, I expect she will handle it, just as Julie did when she was smoking pot, and go on with her career, and the long-term will prove her mettle to the rest of us. the point is, she has enough to worry about – let’s not drive her to drink over it with our gossip. Let’s graciously acknowledge positive updates and keep neutral on anything else, so she can hear her heart the clearer.

Note: 50/50 liar is a term I just coined. It means “someone who lies an average of 50% of the time, and of which you have a 50/50 shot of guessing the veracity thereof”.   

When someone takes off, I get a call. I’m on a list; the list is however many custodians long; I’m somewhere on the list but I dont; know where, but as of last August, it was the very bottom. This list is referred to by an automated system; nobody seems to know what prompts the system, although I have a fairly educated self-orientation (based on experience); what all of this aounts to is that there is no predicting when one will be called, so one better be ready to be shaken awake at 5 a.m. to get ready to work beginning at 4 p.m., as well as being shaken awake at 5 a.m., to get to a job 20 miles away by 6 a.m..

It seems to me that I am still at the bottom of the list, since the most inconvenient engagements are making it all the way to me before they get accepted.

So this week, after waiting roughly 10 days for ANY calls, I gallop for 3-1/3 hours, arrive home to a big breakfast and to what I am hoping will be a restorative nap. I’m interrupted one-half hour into my restorative nap by the automated call-out system. The system tells me that there’s a job available and I need to be there in a half-hour. It’s O.K. to call in late – the rest of the staff understand, however, you are expected to put in 8 hours.

So I do. When I arrive home, about 10, I’m up till midnite catching up – doing little things like I am doing right now. Then I hit the sheets and the phone rings at 5:30 to assign me to a job beginning 4 p.m..

Well, I’m up now. And I’m not happy about it. Off to gallop another 3 hours, take a stressed-out, pissed-on-feeling nap, drag myself through the process of preparing to leave, go to the job with the splitter (headache) that began when the phone rang at 5. Work till midnite, slog home wired-and-tired, only to be out of bed at 6 on Saturday in time to gallop for 3 more hours. 

Followed by the third job; stocking shelves at Burkle Turf Supply. the order got there Thursday, but my presence has been pre-empted for two days, so it’s catch-up time there on Saturday.

This is what my uncle used to say: “you either have time, or you have money; but you never have both”.

It’s times like this, when I feel completely out of control and at the mercy of everyone else’s bidding, that I have to choose whether to sacrifice the money for the time. And none of us who trade our time for money can do that without wanting to stress out about the loss. Or else just work through it all and when you finally have a day of rest, can’t remember who you are or what you were up to before all the aliens abducted you how many days ago..

It wasn’t a true visit (I mean probably not) but it seemed like it for a minute…

I obtained a new autoresponder (tell you about that some day soon here – in fact I’ll tell you all about autoresponders) and set up my contact form on the home page.

It worked perfectly except for one thing; when I clicked the “submit” button, the HEADER on the “welcome” page, which is a new page the reader is shown to say thanks for signing up to my newsletter (which is just posts from the blog) it said “Goodbye Myles; but if you can visit please do”.

That header was from the last time I wrote a post – about a year ago! And the title of that post; “Goodbye Myles, etc., is sitting on my signup welcome page. Here’s what I mean:

After half a dozen attempts to try to get the correct header, I could only get so far as to change the header by writing a new post. Then the header of the new post was on the welcome page instead of the Myles post. So it’s probably not Myles obliging me, but a bug in the WP code or the Lizzy system. Here’s what I mean about that:

Go ahead and try it! You’ll be  member of my site, and you’ll get to see firsthand what I am referring to.

But it had me going for two hours! Which, by the way, is the source of a lot of unproductivity on my part; because once I get past all the little bugs (theirs AND mine) I’m fed up with sitting in front of the computer screen and ready to go do something else.

now this is one crappy, boring post, but it was on my mind, so you’ll just have to wait for the next one which won’t be today because I have to work this a.m. galloping and this afternoon at Burkle Turf Supply.

Instead of creating money, I’m creating value. the “marketing” I’m doing now doesn’t threaten to compromise my personal integrity. I finally stopped believing that I had to have money before I could do the things I really cared about. Now that I’ve spent myself into poverty trying to do things that way, all I have left is doing things I care about.

I could have told you – or you could have told me, that you have to follow your heart and the money will follow; we all know that. But I honestly thought I couldn’t follow my heart without money (or security – the value that money translates to me) and unconsciously operated in thrall to that belief.

Most of us operate this way even though we already know the wisdom- already know that “you can only do well what you love”. We’ve all experienced how physically and emotionally taxing it is to strive to “get ahead” in the hope of being free one day.

I honestly and completely let go of surplus money as a priority, and just began an honest, intuitive search for what I really want. It hasn’t always been comfortable or easy, but it HAS been simple and cathartic. I’ve unloaded tons of anger, and with it the load of pain that it cost myself and others. The greatest gift of all is the energy; the energy and passion to do what I would have done if I had the money if finally free of the money part of the equation.

If you happen by my blog and you read this article, please join my Racetrackers’ network; an association of horsemen and other racetrack people, intended as a place to address issues that we hold in common, among ourselves and with the public. It’s to help make horse racing a better industry, and kinder to horse and human.

My favorite experience with Myles was in Great Barrington in 1990. it was my first year as an apprentice jock and I was tagging along behind Lanny on his tour of the Mass. Tri-County Fair circuit. That year was a short-lived comeback for Marshfield, Northampton and Great Barrington. *

The first few nights we were there we slept in the horse trailer. No, it wasn’t one of the ones with a living quarters. We slept on the rubber mats that the horses shipped on.  After that, Lanny and I managed to get a room in a boarding house.

It was a nice sunny room, painted white, but there was something sinister about it at night. Lanny would sleep fitfully yet never waken and I would sleep not at all, and would feel completely at the mercy of the most awful angry thought processes. Lanny was mostly drunk and passed out and I was mostly depressed anyway, it was true;  but I can honestly say that this was not the typical dynamic. I sensed an energy outside of myself that seemed to be manipulating my thoughts and gaining power the more I filled with dread.

I told Myles what was happening and he became very interested, which was my plan. I knew that he wouldn’t be able to resist investigating the supernatural.

Because…of all the horsemen in all my travels, Myles was the least typical; there was always far more going on in there than just getting a horse to a race, winning a race, shipping somewhere or what’s on TV during the few hours a week that horsemen actually got to ponder the wonders of the universe. He was well-read, curious and mentally quick. If he had one hand on a horse at any moment, I bet the other was on the pulse of the universe at the same time.

I wanted a witness and hopefully some protection from this Beast., and Myles was the perfect person. The boarding house charged by the head, and we were all so broke that we decided to let Myles in after the landlady left for her separate residence. He came in through the fire escape, which he could access without being seen by any other boarders.

He spread a sleeping roll out beside the bed. Both he and Lanny were nodding off long before me. This was about my third night here and I was beginning to really freak out. I worried that whatever it was wanted me and me alone and would absent itself in the presence of Myles. But just as I was ready to give in to another night in silent terror, Myles suddenly sat up.

“I felt it” he said.

Oh joyous relief! And somehow Lanny managed to awaken after a vigorous shake.  We decided to try to call whatever it was in. Myles suggested that we use a small bedside table, place our hands on it, séance-style, and see if we could communicate with it.

I swear on my helmet, the table began to rock as Myles asked it questions. I can’t recall if it it was rock one way for yes and the other for no, or rock for yes, do nothing for no.  But the responses I remember clearly that we got were  1) that it was a male, and 2) that it was angry. To ice the cake so to speak, Myles asked it to give us a definite sign of its presence. I asked him if it could harm us and he said that as far as he knew, if you called on it to leave, it had to obey.

So there we were, the little table rocking in a feeble lamplight from the bureau, and I thought to myself;”I’m scared, but I really, really want to know whether this spirit is here”.  I wanted a sign, so I mentally commanded; “show yourself to me”.

What happened then was a cold chill sensation ran up my spine and spread across my torso.  Not down, but up, and not diminishing, but growing. I was shocked. I started screaming “get out of me goawaygoawaygoaway” and I opened my eyes and just kept repeating go away! It was long gone before I quit.

That kind of broke the session up. I don’t remember who fell asleep first after that, but I don’t think it was me.

I didn’t sleep any better, even when the landlady moved us to another room , which happened to be the one to which the fire escape was joined.  Myles got to stay with us the rest of the time, and though I felt validated, and even a little safer, I was still aware of every noise and every movement in the air at night.  How could the guys sleep so well knowing there was an angry entity slinking about? Lanny was always passed out, but Myles? He wasn’t scared. He was just matter-of-fact about it.

When the fair concluded, I met the landlady to settle up for the last time. As I handed her cash for the final week of our stay, I mentioned casually that “there is something in that room” and gestured to the first room we stayed in. Her reply raised my eyebrows; “do you think it’s a man or a woman?”

“Uh…a  man”, I said.

She replied; “At first we thought it was my husband. We thought he came from New York to watch over me, but when we moved out of here into the house we now stay in, he didn’t follow, so we figured the spirit  must have been here all along.”

She began to expound on guardian angels for a minute. She said one of her relatives had been snapped from the jaws of death by one. But somehow her sense of the presence in this house disagreed with mine. She seems to think it was a benevolent spirit. If it was,  then it definitely disapproved of us.

Say what yo like about about Ghosts and paranormal stuff.  I have no comment about what happened except to say that there was no intentional human deception involved. Myles didn’t move the table on purpose, nor Lanny. So the point is not whether the tale is true or valid or any of that. the point is that if you want to talk about anything, or try anything, or if your own off-the-wall musings could startle you, they probably wouldn’t startle Myles. Not too much. He’d just get really curious.

That story is my favorite Myles tale by far, but there are other times  that I laugh and cry about. I spent a lot of time around him when I was with Lanny, and he was just one of my favorite people – because he had an open mind. And that is something I think few people have, even if they think they do.

I didn’t even know he was ill. I always thought I would have another bottle-of-wine-conversation with him. I really looked forward to that. I had a lot of places left to go with Myles. I don’t think I ever said that to him and I am sorry I don’t get to now. I can only hope his spirit will pay me a visit and fill me in on the Other Side; if anyone in my life were to do that, he would surprise me the least of all.

His energy resonated on more levels than the horse trainer one he showed up as. I feel lucky to have known him.

I found the link to this survey in the ROAP eBlast, and I posted it on my blog at: http://

1. Rate how you agree with the following statements:
Racetrack Horseshoers should be very knowledgeable about Basic Conformation Problems; Equine Locomotion /Gait problems;  Lameness problems;  Basic anatomy.

I think Farriers should have the knowledge to care for the feet of an equine athlete if they shoe on the race track, and they should educate themselves about new methods regualrly, and they should be licensed as Farriers.

Horseshoers, on the other hand, are people who put shoes on horses. I don’t think they need to be qualified to do more than that. However, on the race track they should neither be licensed equally to farriers, nor should they have the same pay scale.

Explain

My contractor friend re-did my breakerbox-to-grid wiring. He used PLASTIC conduit pipe.. You cannot do that. It’s NOT LEGAL (and not safe, either). I had to pay en extra $250 – to replace the material, PAY HIM to re-do it, and PAY for a SECOND INSPECTION (cost $100 just for second inspection.) He is a trained contractor…but he’s NOT an Electrical Contractor, nor an Electrician. He’s a competent individual, but he still didn;t know how to do THAT job properly (the first time).

2. In your opinion, should racetrack horseshoers display a working knowledge of shoe modifications? (For example barshoes, clips, rim pads, etc.)

a) They should know what they are capable of doing correctly – and they do, but racing doesn’t have any regulations. I presume that is what this survey is aiming at, so that’s a good thing.

Explain: How would you feel about getting a call from your loan officer, who says; “Your ‘accountant’  entered all  your equity data in the assets column.”
What if your web designer understood layout design and made you a real pretty website, but when you went to see it, it took forever to load?
On the other hand, if the above, less-than-qualified professionals can be counted on to enter data or code where instructed, they could still save a supervisor lots of time doing the simpler tasks (further explanation below)
3. In your opinion, should racetrack horseshoers be required to forge or show compentency with the forge in order to obtain an racetrack horseshoer licence?
Why or why not?

a) Read below for further information:
4. In your opinion, should the racetrack horseshoer show competancy with multiple shoe materials (plastic, rubber, etc.)
a) Not necessarily (read below)

5. In your opinion, should the racetrack horseshoer show competancy with multiple shoe materials (plastic, rubber, etc.)?
a) Not necessarily (read below)

Explain:
I propose that there be two separate designations for shoer, and a  Licensing Heirarchy

Here’s what I keep saying “read below” about:

PROBLEM:
Time and again, I hear people say “Carl has to shoe Butch Wacker, but crap it takes but he’s so freakin busy, I wish I didn’t have to remain loyal to him just to get him to shoe my one problem horse, because it takes him forever to get over here…
but if I get someone else to do Yammy, Sammy and Hammy, who all have beautiful conformation and no foot problems, Carl will piss off and I’ll lose him!

SOLUTION:
Because of his level of training and experience, Carl essentially holds an advanced degree. Carl deserves more money for his expertise. He works on more complex cases and gets paid accordingly. Reciprocally there is, if not a written guarantee, an implied understanding that should the job need and adjustments between that shoeing and the next, Carl would negotiate fixes at either a discount or free. I say this because I think it would forestall any requests by trainers to less qualified shoers to take on a tougher task, even off the track (ship in).
For the easy jobs, Carl (as farrier-consultant) recommends Eddie to the trainer of Butch Whacker. The trainer uses Eddie to trim the easy ones and put the shoes on. Eddie would be classified as a horseshoer, or whatever title you want to hang on him. He doesn’t need teh qualifications that carl has to earn a living, but he has a lot more horses to shoe because he works cheaper.
This saves Carl’s back – he shoes less horses and still makes moneySaves Eddie’s job – he gets to make a living tooSav es the trainer  he gets two blacksmiths and doesn’t have to a) wait and he doesn’t haev to b) worrySaves the public – horses get shod on time and properlySaves the horse – it can walk (and run)Doesn’t threaten the Unions (not so sure on that one)Spares a lot of anxiety – Works in accordance with human nature, rather than against it.
Because ‘Carl’  has the experience and (importantly) the kind of temprament for solving any kind of difficult shoeing challenge, he deserves more money. That means Carl will shoe less horses, but he’ll make the same amoutn as Joe Schlepp, whose only concern is how many can I do in a day?” Joe Schlepp isn’t a bad shoer; he has a different personality, and could satisfy the  demand for  horseshoers to handle the simple jobs – basically problem-free, symmetrical feet with no anlge- challenges (too many T-breds have low heels and volume-chasing shoers often fail to pay attention to the angle of pastern/ hoof and what can be done about undeslung heels).

5. For Trainers, Owners, and Horseshoers Only:
Who determines which type of shoe should be used for a particular horse?
a) I’m none of these

6. What are the most common mistakes that plague most young racetrack horseshoers?
a) I don’t have experience to answer that question. I could try but it wouldn’t be fair. Young doesn’t necessarily mean anything to me.

Racetrack Horseshoer Survey – Testing This section pertains to the actual testing of the horseshoer

1. Who should administer the uniform written horseshoer exam? (choose all that apply)
a) The Stewards. It’s a written exam. Assuming it’s not full of essay questions, why tie up the Track Shoer or State Vet?

2. Who should administer the uniform practical horseshoer exam? (choose all that apply)

a) I’m out of my opinion territory on this. Those administering exam should not be trainers but should be familiar with a trainer’s concerns. One should be a qualified Farrier with at least 10 years of experience and preferably more (like 40) and at least 10 on a race track.

3. Is it fair to expect a potential racetrack horseshoer licensee to travel off track (within 100 miles) to take the test?
a) Why  not?

4. Do you see any potential problems with a current racetrack horseshoer adminstering a test to a potential licensee for the same jurisdiciation?
a) yes,

Why?
a) Only that the track shoer has a vested interested in limiting the number of available shoers at  a track. Since shoers could be catty about sharing their business, I think there ought to be another, disinterested party involved such at the comission vet, or other desginated party (retired farrier authority – even a traveling member of a judging comittee  – the Asociation of Horse Shoers International, perhaps????
Farrier associations ar Voluntary in the US, but they serve a valuable purpose. My thought is that one or more of these associations could oversee the test curriculum, and also have a representative view the results of the test. That might eliminate the problem of “Shoer Envy”.

5. Please provide any additional comments:

I noticed a couple posts ago about feeling as though I’m in a rut. Well, I don’t  feel the same way I did. Although I maintain that I’m the product of a tradition of wealth-hating and that I’m not happy about it, I finally have a sense of taking action toward a satisfying life, renumerary benefits notwithstanding.

So far I have some cool temp/ substitute jobs and several versions of a resume. Should I worry that I have different versions and that I doctor them up to fit each situation? Not as long as I’m not lying. But nobody wants to see 25 years of horsemanship on a resume for substitute custodian in the Hancock County School System.

Makes me wonder just exactly what  ”familiarity with” means. While one person can be very familiar with something and otherwise be a slug at work, another (I’m unabashedly referring to myself here) might be unfamiliar, yet nonetheless a problem-solving dynamo whom nothing can stop from getting the job done. I hate to be seen making excuses on the job, so I try (sometimes too hard) to always do a bit more than what’s expected. Everyone in our family has a good work ethic and the best part is it’s not about the money; it’s about the contribution. If everyone were like us it wouldn’t matter what system the nation favored, it would work (because we do)!

When I look at my resume then, in its various forms, emphasizing various qualities, I think to myself; “it’s a shot in the dark” if I get noticed. I mean, a real accident. But the value isn’t the part that’s on the paper.

On the other hand, it’s never the circumstances. I see that I don’t get jobs because for one reason or another I don’t  want them. And I really don’t want t a “job” but if I’m going to do a j.o.b. job, I have to sense clearly that it makes a difference, and I’m a little on the instant gratification side that way.

As much as I have said I want to have money so I can do other things, I’ve never developed the skills for managing and leveraging it, or for even  identifying with the game having any intrinsic value, so it is like, say, a game I never learned to play;  rather than learn it I always opt to continue with games I already know.

Heck I’m rambling on…and that’s another thing that I have to get through. I mean, the rambling is on account of never having thought about them or focused on them seriously. So I’ll ramble away, I guess, but it’s for the sake of ultimately getting clearer. When I read over this eventually and can pick out what’s important, that’s where growth will happen.